“You want to say Hi to the cute girl on the subway. How will she react? Fortunately, I can tell you with some certainty, because she’s already sending messages to you. Looking out the window, reading a book, working on a computer, arms folded across chest, body away from you = do not disturb. So, y’know, don’t disturb her. Really. Even to say that you like her hair, shoes, or book. A compliment is not always a reason for women to smile and say thank you. You are a threat, remember? You are Schrödinger’s Rapist. Don’t assume that whatever you have to say will win her over with charm or flattery. Believe what she’s signaling, and back off.
If you speak, and she responds in a monosyllabic way without looking at you, she’s saying, “I don’t want to be rude, but please leave me alone.” You don’t know why. It could be “Please leave me alone because I am trying to memorize Beowulf.” It could be “Please leave me alone because you are a scary, scary man with breath like a water buffalo.” It could be “Please leave me alone because I am planning my assassination of a major geopolitical figure and I will have to kill you if you are able to recognize me and blow my cover.”
On the other hand, if she is turned towards you, making eye contact, and she responds in a friendly and talkative manner when you speak to her, you are getting a green light. You can continue the conversation until you start getting signals to back off.
The fourth point: If you fail to respect what women say, you label yourself a problem.
There’s a man with whom I went out on a single date—afternoon coffee, for one hour by the clock—on July 25th. In the two days after the date, he sent me about fifteen e-mails, scolding me for non-responsiveness. I e-mailed him back, saying, “Look, this is a disproportionate response to a single date. You are making me uncomfortable. Do not contact me again.” It is now October 7th. Does he still e-mail?
Yeah. He does. About every two weeks.
This man scores higher on the threat level scale than Man with the Cockroach Tattoos. (Who, after all, is guilty of nothing more than terrifying bad taste.) You see, Mr. E-mail has made it clear that he ignores what I say when he wants something from me. Now, I don’t know if he is an actual rapist, and I sincerely hope he’s not. But he is certainly Schrödinger’s Rapist, and this particular Schrödinger’s Rapist has a probability ratio greater than one in sixty. Because a man who ignores a woman’s NO in a non-sexual setting is more likely to ignore NO in a sexual setting, as well.
So if you speak to a woman who is otherwise occupied, you’re sending a subtle message. It is that your desire to interact trumps her right to be left alone. If you pursue a conversation when she’s tried to cut it off, you send a message. It is that your desire to speak trumps her right to be left alone. And each of those messages indicates that you believe your desires are a legitimate reason to override her rights.
For women, who are watching you very closely to determine how much of a threat you are, this is an important piece of data.”
an excerpt from Phaedra Starling’s “Schrödinger’s Rapist: or a guy’s guide to approaching strange women without being maced”
“Can every one of my male followers read this? And please, before you get defensive (“I would never rape anyone!”) keep in mind, women being afraid of Shrodinger’s Rapists (oh my god i still can’t get over the encompassing brilliance of this phrase) is a conditioned, learned response from being immersed in rape culture and the evolution of sexism and sexual violence in our society from the day we’re born. And unfortunately, it’s very difficult to unlearn without the efforts of all genders to dismantle it.
Which is where you come in.”
You see it every day, the micro aggressions against people, the sexism, the put-downs. Make your corner of the world a safe space for everyone, it is the least you can do as a decent human being.
6 comments
April 22, 2014 at 6:23 am
VR Kaine
In reference to the image of your post:
http://www.skepticink.com/backgroundprobability/2012/10/21/schrodingers-rapist-is-dead-or-is-he/
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April 22, 2014 at 7:54 am
john zande
Am I missing something? This is just common sense, right?
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April 22, 2014 at 8:33 am
The Intransigent One
Unfortunately, for many men it is not common sense but an affront to their personal agency. I’m so glad to have aged/fatted out of the fuckability demographic, you would have no idea.
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April 22, 2014 at 11:01 am
syrbal-labrys
Outstanding!
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April 22, 2014 at 1:34 pm
Reneta Scian
To add to this message: There is a general rule that “Any woman is available to any man” from the cultural context of rape culture and female objectification. When a man approaches a woman with sexual/romantic interest, when she is sending every sign she wants to be left alone, he’s assuming a lot of things about her. First, that she’s available (likely having looked for signs of marriage, a partner with her, rings, et cetera before approaching). Of course, for some men (available = no one else is having sex with her at this exact moment), as if a woman were an available urinal in the public restroom. (A disturbingly accurate analogy for how some men may metaphorically see women). Second assumption, that she’s heterosexual and also sociable with men, which isn’t always the case. Personally, I tend to prefer to socialize with women over men, and I’m a lesbian with little to no interest in socializing with random men to begin with. Outside of the places I feel safe doing so, I only socialize with the men I choose to be social with, or men I already know and feel safe with. That’s a valid preference, one which sexism, and rape culture have little respect for, and proliferates an active expectation that I’m to give my time to any friendly guy who comes along.
Third, as implied by previous statements, it makes the baseless assertion that women like, and or want the attention of men at all times, and are expected to reciprocate that attention in a way that pleases the man. And we simply are not obliged to make you feel good because you got to talk to a girl today. Moreover, we aren’t entitled to humor you when you approach us, especially if we’re a captive audience (elevators, buses, waiting rooms, other places we have to be, and can’t leave.) There are plenty of ways to approach women without breaching our personal bubble, and it’s not our job to teach you how to do that. We aren’t there for your purposes, ever. Regardless of how sexual reproduction occurs, we are individuals with our own purposes and preferences for sexual behavior (to include asexuality and homosexuality). The Schrodinger’s Rapist issue, as well as Rape Culture in general is the arresting of female agency, fed by the proliferated belief that its a man’s right to dominion over women as if it were biologically determined, which it isn’t. And as a woman, what reason do I have to not fear or be apprehensive of men who see me in some way as a possession, as little more than an object for him to imprint his desires onto? What reason do I have to believe that is not what you’re doing when you disrespect my personal bubble? When I’m sending clear signs I’m not interested? None.
If you want to be my friend, Men of the World, treat me like a person first, not like a woman (Woman in the cultural problematic preset assigned to my role). Don’t approach me when I don’t want to be bothered. Don’t invade my space with your entitlement. And do it in spaces where that behavior is appropriate, and where I feel safe to socialize and befriend you. And, if you only see me as someone you’d want to date, or have sex with keep it to yourself. Just like oblivious men complain about being “Friend Zoned”, I dislike being “Fuck Zoned” – (determined to only be a person you’d like to fuck). And consider this, Men of the World, If I want to be your friend, and I express affection for you as my friend, it means I think you’re fucking awesome. It’s not a downgrade to be my friend, or to not be someone I have sex with. If that makes you uncomfortable, then you aren’t really my friend. Keep that in mind. Also, my body, time, nor attention is public domain, it belongs to me and no one else. I think a lot of women share this sentiment.
(Disclaimer: Before anyone can derive that I “hate” men from this, I will quash that. I can, have had and do have platonically loving relationships with men. They respect me, and I trust them, and thusly I can be open, cuddly and playful with them and trust that their presence nor touching is a threat to me. I love my man-friends as much as my women friends, so long as they treat me with respect).
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April 22, 2014 at 1:42 pm
The Intransigent One
Holy shit Renata, that “fuck zoned” thing is brilliant. It so perfectly describes all those interactions with men where they start out friendly, find out you’re not sexually available (to them), and suddenly they (best case) don’t want to talk to you anymore.
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